>>36471060
>Be new pizza delivery pegassus
>Flying back to Fennel & Hayseed, a mid-Ponyville pizzeria, from my last delivery
>No tip
>Fucking sound Ponyville
>Manager is waiting for me at the door
>Panic
>Something must have been wrong with the last order
>I really don't feel like having to go back
>"It's okay, everything's fine, but I'll need to borrow you for the rest of the day. Big catering order out to Canterlot."
>Canterlot?
>I don't get paid enough for this shit
>Check the ticket
>Ten XXL 20" triple-extra cheese, and triple pepperoni pizzas
>Fug.jpg
>Must be some rich jackass ruining my day for some swanky party
>My back is gonna be so fucked tomorrow

>Order finishes baking
>So many toppings the boxes hardly close
>Start loading the pizzas into my jumbo hotbags
>Grease is seeping into the liner of my bags, pooling at the edges
>Watch out below, everypony
>Check the address
>1001 N Regal Cr
>Huh, seems familiar, but I can't quite put a hoof on it
>Load the jumbo carrier onto my back, and set off
>They better fucking tip well

>Arrive in central Canterlot some hours later
>Pizza isn't hot or crispy anymore, and is slowly congealing into a cheesy blob of indescernable properties
>Not my problem
>That's what you get for ordering out of county lines
>Turn onto Regal Circle
>Oh,
>right
>It's fucking Canterlot Castle
>Must be some appreciation party for the Royal Guard
>Arrive at the mane gate
>Nopony is there to let me in
>Fucking classic
>Lay down, carrier and all to try and check the receipt
>Maybe it'll tell me who to flag down

>"Pssst,"
>Wot
>"Over here."
>A small voice calls out to me from just down the gateway
>It's a Royal Guard, leaning coyly out of a doorway in the massive, regal, fence
>Pick up myself up and haul ass
>Some suprise, eh?
>Before the guard could say anything, he pulled me inside the tunnel, slamming the door behind me
>He motions for me to continue alongside him
>Tunnel is dark as fuck
>Can't see shit, cap'n
>Terrified that I'll trip over a rock or something, and ruin the Royal Guards lunch
>Reach the end of the tunnel
>"Go left down this hallway until you reach the double doors"
>Before I could thank him, he hooves me out the door, and into the halls of the Royal Castle
>Can't fucking believe I'm inside the royal halls
>Unsupervised
>Everything's so.... clean

>Trot down the hall to the left carefully, trying not to spill a drop 
>It'd be my ass if this place needed a royal carpet cleaning because of me
>Make my way down the hall all the way
>Hall turns into a fork
>Well, the guard did say left
>Start to take a left turn
>Feel something yank me backwards, I start to levitate
>Consumed in a magic aura, I can only imagine I messed up bad, and wandered somewhere I shouldn't have
>Can't even turn to see who's levitating me because of this damn jumbo carrier
>Make peace

>Finally, after being dragged into a more modest, but still intensely fancy room, I'm set down on my hooves
>Turn around, ready to bootlick for my very life
>"Shhh," says Princess Celestia. "not a sound."
>It was a good run, ladies and gentlecolts
>I'm ready to be a statue now
>"I mean it." she says. "Not. One. Sound." 
>I nod furiously
>She giggles a little bit, in a clear derranged excitement
>Her magic aura begins to surround me
>Goodbye, everypony
>Suddenly, I feel a lot lighter
>Her aura pulls the pizza carrier array from over my wings, and sets it down before her

>She opens the velcro flaps on the carrier, and slides out the first box
>Flinging open the lid, she fills the entire room at once with the stench of gooey pizza
>Using her magic, she lifts a single slice of the pizza to her royal mouth
>Bites into it
>"Mmmm, this is delicious,"
>How.png
>"Exactly how I like it." She giggles again, finishing off the rest of the slice
>She looks my way, and gives me a rather raunchy wink
>Next thing I know, 
>the rest of the pizza is hovering in the air
>She brings the rest of the pizza close to her face, and frantically chomps away
>Bite after already-full bite, she tears apart the pizza, flinging grease and cheese and breadcrumbs every which way
>She was simply ravenous, like a parasprite gone alicorn, devouring every last morsel, never taking a moment to chew or swallow
>When the pizza was no more, she stopped, only for a moment

>She roller her eyes into the back of her head, moaning wildly at the pizza she'd just inhaled
>Chewing the remainders of the crust, she sat down, and let out a turly regal belch
>It stunk, and the varitable cloud of pizza it expelled from her filled my ponesonal space
>It was a chemical attack
>And I had not brought with me a gas mask
>Finally catching her breath, she looked at me again, and smiled widely
>"First one's always the hardest."
>She giggled again, expectantly with me, as though I could relate in any facet to the topic at hand
>Out slid the second box

>She wasted no time testing the waters, and immediately brought the entire pie into the air
>Using her magic she tightly rolled the pizza into a tube
>Unhinging her jaw like a boa, she began to chomp away at it too
>"More effecient," she said to me, mouth still very, very full
>I was spellbound
>Even though I so desperately wanted to look away in commoner's shame, I absolutely couldn't
>I was witnessing the murder of a God
>Of a Princess
>She procceeded to roll the pizzas into the same fashion as she had the 2nd, devouring each after the other, with no second thought
>Until the very last box
>As box ten was torn open, she lifted all but a single slice into the air, and devoured her selection
>"Here," she said, in between chews "Eat it."
>Eat it....
>Every fiber of my being was in complete and utter shock
>I hated pizza
>I could not look at pizza
>Celestia RUINED pizza
>"C'mon, it's good!" She said, face shimmering with red grease
>I cannot disappoint my princess
>She raises the sun each day
>C'mon, get it together

>Slowly, I reach for the piece of pizza
>It's stone cold, and completely soggy
>Celestia stares me onward, in complete fascination
>She couldn't possibly think this was a generosity
>I choke the slice of pizza down, gagging with each bite, ready to rid my mind of the scenes I've just witnessed
>She beams at me
>"See? What'd I tell you. Best in equestria." 
>Y-yeah
>Before I know it, she lands a royal smooch on my cheek
>I almost start to cry
>It was so... wet
>Celestia lets out a royal belly-laugh, barely able to collect herself
>"And there's your tip!" She cackles. "Now, now, off you go. Take the same way back, the guard will let you out the way you came."
>How could she do this to me
>How could she send me back out into the world, a cheese-covered infant, babbling and soiled
>What a sick game you royalty play
>She slams the double doors to the chamber behind me
>leaving me standing defenseless in the royal halls
>The royal door knockers on the royal door shake 
>As Celestia lets out another thunderous, royal burp

***

>inb4 fetish
Nope, just a massive shitpost.